This is my story of “Losing Joe” and how uninvited grief  introduced itself without any warning.  Our life changed in the blink of an eye on May 29, 2018, but this nightmare began on Monday, May 28, 2018.

As I’m writing this it feels like this moment happened only “yesterday”; to be honest, every day feels like that “yesterday” repeating itself over and over in my head. The day was an ordinary afternoon and I was laying down in my room next to Ella. I could feel the warmth of the sun coming through my bedroom sliding glass doors as I gazed at my beautiful tree outside my bedroom. My husband and I were both home babysitting our grand baby Ella, she was suddenly sick to her tummy and had vomited a few times. Aside from her not feeling well, it was just another day. We were living life our normal day-to-day thing and I had no complaints.  I was happy, we were happy, our family was happy and I was looking forward to a huge celebration at the end of August.  I was retiring from my job of 25 years and it was Joe’s 28th birthday too, August 31, 2018 was going to be a double party and it was a big deal, we were both looking forward to a long day of celebrating.

It was almost 1:15 p.m. and I knew Joe would be coming home soon. I had spoken to him earlier that morning, he told me he would be home some time around Noon (he called me the night before to let me know he was staying overnight with a friend.)  I remember feeling completely relaxed, my mind was calm, no distractions were in my head, it was a peaceful day so far. Just as I started to doze off, I woke up to the screeching sound of the front door opening and I heard Joe’s voice loudly say,  “Momma, I’m home! Where you at Ma?”  I asked him to come upstairs so we could talk, but all I heard was the sound of his footsteps moving quickly downstairs, doors opening then shutting (laundry room door, his bathroom door, his bedroom door, etc.) it was obvious he was in a hurry.  Funny thing is Joe was loud in every way; he talked loud, he laughed loud, he even walked loud (if that’s possible).  In fact, within a few more minutes he loudly said to me, “Meh, I love you, I’ll be home later, k.”  And, before I had a chance to say anything, I heard the front door close after him as quickly as it opened.  Just like that, Joe came home and then he left. I never seen him, I only heard him.

The strangest thing about that moment when Joe left the condo was there was no sound, the loud squeaky noise that came from the front door just minutes earlier, it was gone. In fact, everything seemed to go silent it somewhat felt like the world outside stopped in those few seconds. I heard no cars driving by outside our condo; it’s typically a very busy road, there were no vagrants walking by yelling or just talking crazy, no car horns honking, no dogs barking, nothing seemed to move. It was an uncomfortable and eerie stillness, it was the absence of sound.

So, I did what any mom would do I grabbed my cell phone and called him. He answered with his usual loud and funny self, “Yes, Mehhhhh??  Wassup?”  We talked briefly, very briefly, actually too briefly. I asked why he didn’t come upstairs before leaving? I told him I felt as though he was avoiding me or not wanting to be at home? He replied with a laugh, “Meh, it’s Memorial Day and I’m hanging out with friends Mehhhh.” We hung up, but something in his voice seemed different, it was not sitting well with me so I started text messaging him. He responded to a couple of texts, but did not reply to the last few.  I kept messaging him throughout the evening too (5:00 p.m., 8:00 p.m., 10:00 p.m., then 12 midnight) but no reply.  I didn’t know who he was with and I had no idea where he could be. My last text I asked if he was coming home and to please reply back. My husband kept asking, “Where’s Joe?” and all I could say was, “Babe, I really don’t know!”

I had a difficult time falling asleep that Monday night. I could not get comfortable and my mind kept racing. Finally around 1:30 am I read a prayer and my eyes slowly got heavy. I fell asleep when suddenly I heard this loud bang popping sound outside, it startled me and I jumped then sat up in bed. It was the sound similar to a car backfiring, but it was so loud it seemed to be right by our window. I quickly felt my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my chest! I looked at my phone it was 2:15 a.m.  I had no missed calls or messages from Joe. I woke up my husband and he heard that loud bang noise too, loud noise too. Okay, NOW I’m getting nervous, I told him, “babe I’m feeling scared”. It was just a car, stop worrying he tells me. But, I knew he could feel what I was feeling too. He looked outside but it was nothing. I went downstairs to get a glass of water, my whole body was hurting and I was feeling sick. I kept thinking, maybe I had caught what Ella had, so I took a Motrin. But, I could not stop shaking. I walked down the hall and took a quick look in Joe’s room, he wasn’t there. I’m hovering again, I thought to myself. Joe was 27, a grown man, but as a Mother the worry never really stops it doesn’t matter if your child is 5, 10 or 27. A child grows inside a Mothers body for 9 months, there’s a bond that never goes away, it’s a lifetime connection of pure and beautiful love. I knew and can feel every breath and heartbeat for each one of my children; 27 (Joe), 25 (Allie), and (20) Juliana. I just knew when something wasn’t right. In that moment, the feeling was so strong I wanted to get in my car and go look for him but had no idea where to even begin.

I then messaged Joe’s friend and asked her if she had spoken to him? I knew he had stayed overnight at her house the night before and she told me she had been trying to reach him all evening but he wasn’t answering. The last time she spoke to him was around 5:15 p.m.  She was worried too, I could hear the sound in her voice as if she had been crying. We hung up and again I tried calling then texting Joe, but got no reply. Time seemed to move so dam slow but eventually the sun came up and at 7:30 a.m. I called my niece for a ride to the office. I needed to grab a few things and briefly talk to one of our executives regarding an email I had sent out the previous week. When she got to the condo, I told her Joe didn’t come home and he wasn’t answering my calls, I was getting nervous. I’m sure he is asleep at his friends house, he’ll be home don’t worry, she says. Yeah, I’m working myself into a frenzy, overthinking…again!

Once again, I called and left him a voicemail telling him I left the front door unlocked and to call as soon as he woke up! Then, a text message, “Joseph Anthony where are you!! Can you please at least reply son so I know you’re okay? Please!”  I rushed into the office that morning grabbed a few things and called his friend again. She still had not heard from Joe and was very surprised by my phone call. I told her I was freaking out, it isn’t like him to not call or reply back to me. Then I asked her to call his best friend and to call me back as soon as she talked to him. It’s now close to 11 a.m. and I’m getting ready to leave the office and drive over to his friends house. I could feel that anxious thing coming on strong (heart racing, my head hurt from no sleep, inside my soul I was trembling). I had this gut feeling something bad was about to happen, I call it “fear.” My heart was hurting, it was a stinging sensation and it scared me. Then my phone rang, it was his friend and I was relieved that she was calling me back. My first thoughts were, thank God she finally talked to Joe. That was not the case, not even close! I answered my cell and all I could hear was a mumbling sound. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, my voice got louder and louder, “What is it!! I can’t hear you sweetie! Slow down! Please, what are you saying because I can’t understand you!”  I remember that moment quite vividly as she spoke one word, it was a word I still hear in my head, over and over again….CORONER! At that moment, everything seemed like it all faded to black. Instantly, my world turned to complete darkness. Uninvited and without warning this ugly, dark shadow called “grief” had slipped in and found its way into my life. I was not prepared for what was about to happen, my mind was in some other place and all I could do was stand there screaming I was completely out of control! All I could think was I have to get to my husband, I need to get to Isadore. God, help us.

12 thoughts on “May 28, 2018 – Where Is Joe?

  1. I am so so sorry for the loss of your amazing son Joe. You have shared his story in such a beautiful way. Thank you for finding my blog. So I could read yours💜
    I wish you peace for your broken heart as you navigate this devastating loss that will forever change you. I know. Not a day passes I am not reminded in a million ways of my baby girl who died 7 years ago after living only 52 days. Much love to you momma.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. so sorry for your loss, nothing prepares you for the emptiness of grief, just keep taking little steps, even if you get pushed back, if you keep moving a little at a time, at least you keep the great nothingness away.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love joesmomma blogs it’s the best! write more, keep writing…I love reading every second every moment and every breath! It’s beautiful how strong a mothers bond can be❤️
    “Your heart was once inside me, beating to a rhythm and then our hearts were beating to a rhythm together and no way will our hearts ever stop you just put your hand over your heart and you can hear my heart beat, that’s the rhythm of our hearts together” 💓

    Like

  4. Elaine,

    You are such a brave woman. Keep following your heart and your faith, and use this medium as a way to cope if that’s what you feel is best. Meanwhile, I’ll always have you, Izz and the girls in my prayers, and of course Joe’s soul. His final words to me and mine in return will always stay with me.
    Joe: “love you breh”
    Me: “I love you to brotha, be safe.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Elaine, Lainey, Bird, Meh, ..what an astonishing step by step mind boggling yet to the nail on the head explanation of what and how the mind and heart become opponents in the soul of a Mother who hence knew already that on that horrific hour to hour time frame that you were going to hear the inevitable words coming over the lines of a cell phone..the words no Mother should hear..in that response came not the D word but the C word..
    Why was this happening to you..this merely was not a ok now, I knew Mothers intuition is almost 75% true..but you refined that to 96% 4 % is now the unknown..
    This definitely blog is an honorable and courageous way to deal with Joeinsomia..
    Yes I believe Joe is looking down at you and being so ever proud saying and pointing see everybody that my Mama right there..
    We go thru life not ever thinking about losing a child and I’m so ever Sorry , I was there with you that evening of confirmation..but yet I sat in awe like everyone thinking Joe’s gonna walk thru that door and say what’s going on peeps..well you know that’s what we all really wanted..it hurt to see you in pain ..a pain without a relief or prognosis….but Lainey people will say things about how one should deal or cope with the loss..Reality is watching you..You will not ever just cope or move on, for that’s not what a Mother will do..Hell applaud you ,for raising such a fine young man and as I watch you you’re not moving on and coping your greif hoping that you will be fine, once again that’s not you..What you do is try to remember to breath in between those moments of exhaling as Tears pour out like a bath faucet and you dont go to sleep peacefully ..you pray and hope that you can get to the point of exhaustion..than your body shuts down and when you open your eyes it’s probably only 4 hrs pass and one step in front of the other and it a new day.
    I Love You Lainey and will always be that you got a friend to always be there for you..

    Liked by 1 person

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