Dear Mommy, today is March 25, 2019, you’ve been in heaven 11 years. Last year at this time, Allie, Joe, Ella & myself spent time at your gravesite, it was beautiful. But, this year is different Mom. I can’t do my normal anniversary day with you today, I’m so sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

Life has changed, but you probably already know that and most likely seen it coming long before me. Joseph, he’s gone before me Mom. My only son, your grandson, but I’m guessing he is probably right beside you saying he didn’t leave on purpose, it was an accident. Again, you probably knew that though, this hurts every bone in my body and even more so today. I’m angry. I’m angry that you have Joe with you now. I know it’s very selfish of me, please forgive me. But, my truth is I want Joseph here next to me and to be honest Mom, I don’t want to go to the cemetery today. I don’t want to take you flowers and sit next to your headstone and talk to you about my life. Because my life took a left turn and went straight into this unknown place where sadness takes over the soul. It’s dark, ugly, and miserable, I hate it.

How did you do it? How did you keep going after losing Daddy, then Sis? How?! I wish you could tell me what to do. I try every day but it’s not enough. The worst part is I know I should be happy that Joe is in a beautiful place with you and God, versus the other. I should be thankful, but I’m too selfish I guess. I want him with me, he should be here with his sisters, his niece Ella, his dad, family and friends, but he’s not. He is with you. God forgive me, please. I’m so sorry. Everything feels so much heavier today. My entire body aches like I’ve been hit by a train. I can’t move my legs, my chest hurts when I breathe, my eyes are swollen from tears, and my heart is broken. Maybe this is my punishment for being so selfish.

I have chosen to stay in my pajamas today, under my blankets, binging on Netflix. I’m going to cry if I want to, laugh if something funny comes on the television, munch on my snacks, cry again, and wait for the night to come so I can close my eyes until tomorrow. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, it’s not here yet. I will cross that bridge when I get there. I hope you know that I love you and I miss you very much. But, to not have you or my son in this living life crushes my soul 100 times harder at this moment. I just can’t do it today, I hope you’re not too disappointed in me. I’m so sorry. I’m just a hot mess today. I love you Mommy, kiss my son for me (I miss him so much) and please help give me strength.

8 thoughts on “A Letter to My Mother

  1. I am not a person who knows how to console or try to say some positive good words to make someone happy while they have lost someone. I myself have lost a few people whom I’ve loved dearly and the only thing that I say go myself to calm myself down is I’ll see them one-day and they won’t be no longer away from me. I hope you are well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh no, you’re not selfish.
    And I’m sure you have the right to be angry.
    Sometimes the best thing we can do is cry, feel the pain, and realise the enormous love we have for our children who have gone before us.
    No, it’s not fair, and the emptiness will always be there….. But so will the amazingly precious memories and joy that they brought to our lives.
    Thinking of you.
    Melanie x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so very welcome.
        I can’t tell you how to grieve, or that it gets better, but I can listen, share or support if needs be.
        Take care today.
        x 💖 x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry for your losses. It is not easy. Grief is hard and individual. Take one day at a time. A new normal will come. It’s okay to take care of you through this when and as you need. Push yourself as you can. A wise woman, one having her own husband and son pass through tragic accidents, told me back when my mother died and that was to not go to the cemetery often, they are not there.
    Take care of you!

    Liked by 1 person

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