Year 2 – Mother’s Day You’re Still Not Here

As I wake up to this day, I can hear my phone pinging one after another. It’s Mother’s Day. Text messages are coming in to wish me a beautiful day. I look at my phone there’s 23 text messages, I look forward to reading each one, somebody’s thoughtful words sent my way gives my heart so much joy. I smell coffee brewing downstairs and I hear Juliana talking in the kitchen. I close my eyes and fall back to sleep. When I wake up there’s a freshly brewed cup of coffee on my nightstand, a toasted bagel with blueberries perfectly placed one by one around the bagel. And, an envelope with “my wife” written on front. This Mother’s Day has begun and you’re not here.

My eyes begin to fill up with tears, I tell myself, don’t ..no, no, no, no I don’t want to cry. If I cry it won’t stop. My mind starts racing, I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I take a deep breathe in and out several times. God please make it stop!This goes on for several minutes and it feels like several hours. Calmness starts to flow slowly thru me, little by little everything in me starts to calm down. I close my eyes again, lay down, and begin to doze back to sleep but tears are rolling down my face. I cry quietly. You’re still not here.

You were always the first one to give me a Mother’s Day card, hug,or a kiss on the cheek. Always the first to say Happy Mother’s Day out loud. Always the first to give me my gift. You were always first to wish me a beautiful day. As I look outside, people in cars drive by and the noise is loud from the street. Tree branches and leaves from my prayer tree whoosh from side to side. I turned around and crawled back into bed. You’re still not here.

Juliana comes into the room and loudly shouts, “Mom! C’mon get up it’s gonna be 11:00! It’s Mother’s Day! You have gifts to open!” To my surprise there’s flowers and a gift bag. She went out of her way to buy me the perfect card and a bag full of my favorite things. She is my one that loves each holiday and loves giving gifts. Her heart is so big, I thank God for Juliana. She gives me a purpose. We need to get out for a little while so we leave to visit Papa & Kika and eat breakfast with everyone. It was nice. But, You’re still not here.

It’s the end the day and Jordan BBQ’s a fabulous dinner for us. It was nice, we sat around talking and the best part of the whole day was that last moment. Dad, Allie, Julie, and I were sitting in the living room talking and laughing as we shared our beautiful memories about our life on Kamloops Dr. and Walnut Grove Ct. We had a good life all of us together. Everything was normal, no tragedies had hit us yet and every holiday was beautiful. Every Mother’s Day was a blessing as I would read each card that had been carefully picked with heartfelt words that meant so much to me I would cry every time.

THAT moment with all of us together laughing and remembering moments of joy together as a family, THAT was the perfect Mother’s Day gift. We are still a family, we still have moments of joy, we have to for You. You’re still giving us your love. You may not have physically been here, but I felt your spirit with us at that moment. YOU WERE HERE.

Published by Losing Joe - Finding My Way Thru Grief

My name is Elaine Suarez, I am a mother of 3 children; Joseph 27, Allie 25, Juliana 21. I’ve been married to the love of my life, Isadore, for 33 years. We’ve been blessed with three healthy and beautiful children. We raised our kids with unconditional love, joy for family, knowing our Catholic Faith, and the importance of working hard to achieve life goals. The five of us never left each others presence without saying, “I love you.” We are an extremely close family. On the morning of May 29, 2018, at approximately 11:00 am, I received a phone call from the coroner's office notifying me that our only son, Joseph Anthony Suarez, age 27, was deceased. And, just like that, in a matter of less than 2 seconds our life would never again be the same. Everything changed, we changed. Joseph (Joe) was only 27 and his life had come to an abrupt and devastating end. He is the eldest of three, he is our only son and only brother to our two daughters. Joe’s life ended way too soon. This was not fixable. The coroner kept his body for 21 days; therefore, we never got to say goodbye. His body was not the same body we last seen on May 28, 2018..healthy, vibrant, moving in life with no fear yet full of love for family, friends, and life itself. We chose to remember our son the way we last seen him, not on a steel flat gurney and unrecognizable after being touched and God knows what else from the autopsy. We celebrated his life remembering all the beautiful things he gave to each of us, his smile and his infectious personality that lit up a room the moment he entered, his love for us and our love for him. He is and will forever be with us, his spiritual self is way too big to not be here and I will work as best as I can to keep that beautiful spirit alive. I made Joe a promise on the day I said out loud in his bedroom while on my knees, “Okay God, I’m going to give him back to you because I want him safe and at peace.” I promised Joe I will NEVER let him be forgotten...not ever, and I would try to do my very best to breathe to live every day. This is my story of Losing Joe. Son, I love you to no end, Joseph Anthony Suarez. We will forever be a team my Jeh. ♥️i love u forever, your Meh.♥️

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