When I Close My Eyes

Losing Joe has changed my life, there is so much of him missing every minute of every day. Joe gave my life air.

Sometimes, I lay in his bed and I close my eyes and I imagine him walking into his room asking me, “Ma, what are you doing? Why are you in my room? You’re being nosey huh?” I wish I would have knocked on his door more. I wish I would have came into his room and sat next to him, more. I wish I would have forced him to tell me what was going on in his life and whatever it is, we can get thru it together.

I recall one day I sat on his bed, as he was on his laptop, I told him, “a penny for your thoughts?” He just shook his head, “nope, got nothin today Ma.” I knew he was lying to me, I felt it in my soul. Are you sure, I asked him. Yupp, I’m good he told me. He was not telling me, I knew he was trying to make me believe he was fine, but I knew he wasn’t. I went outside to the garage, I told my husband somethings not right with Joe, I feel it. He needs to talk but not to me, can you please talk to him? There’s something wrong. Take him to go have a beer, or hit some golf balls, or go see a movie. Don’t worry, you’re always worrying, he told me. Leave him alone, Elaine! If he wants to talk, he will come to me but stop hovering! I walked away angry, hurt, fearful…that wasn’t the response I was hoping to hear. Tears rolling down my face, I walked back inside and knocked on Joe’s door again. Yes Mother??! I Love You, I said to him, just want you to know I Love you, Son. His response, “Momma, I know and I love you too. I’m fine, ok.” My heart knew he was not ok.

Sometimes I can feel my heart pumping so hard, I just know it’s going to burst out of my chest at any minute. But, then I get these feelings inside of me. I cannot put them into words, it’s as if I can FEEL him beside me. This light air will suddenly touch my neck. Or, a breeze floats by my face. It’s not the wind …because it’s 90 degrees outside! If I’m very still, I sense his breath and I look to my left then my right. Sometimes, I’ll put my arms out in front of me as if he is touching my hands. I’ll close my eyes and I feel as though he is right there before my eyes. As my eyes remain closed, I see his smile and I can feel my whole body floating as if I’m weightless! It’s absolutely the most beautiful feeling and I’m crying as I write this because those moments come and go. They don’t stay very long. I wish I could hold my son one more time. But, I got that wish already God granted me “one more minute.” I’ll share that minute in my next piece. It’s quite phenomenal!

Published by Losing Joe - Finding My Way Thru Grief

My name is Elaine Suarez, I am a mother of 3 children; Joseph 27, Allie 25, Juliana 21. I’ve been married to the love of my life, Isadore, for 33 years. We’ve been blessed with three healthy and beautiful children. We raised our kids with unconditional love, joy for family, knowing our Catholic Faith, and the importance of working hard to achieve life goals. The five of us never left each others presence without saying, “I love you.” We are an extremely close family. On the morning of May 29, 2018, at approximately 11:00 am, I received a phone call from the coroner's office notifying me that our only son, Joseph Anthony Suarez, age 27, was deceased. And, just like that, in a matter of less than 2 seconds our life would never again be the same. Everything changed, we changed. Joseph (Joe) was only 27 and his life had come to an abrupt and devastating end. He is the eldest of three, he is our only son and only brother to our two daughters. Joe’s life ended way too soon. This was not fixable. The coroner kept his body for 21 days; therefore, we never got to say goodbye. His body was not the same body we last seen on May 28, 2018..healthy, vibrant, moving in life with no fear yet full of love for family, friends, and life itself. We chose to remember our son the way we last seen him, not on a steel flat gurney and unrecognizable after being touched and God knows what else from the autopsy. We celebrated his life remembering all the beautiful things he gave to each of us, his smile and his infectious personality that lit up a room the moment he entered, his love for us and our love for him. He is and will forever be with us, his spiritual self is way too big to not be here and I will work as best as I can to keep that beautiful spirit alive. I made Joe a promise on the day I said out loud in his bedroom while on my knees, “Okay God, I’m going to give him back to you because I want him safe and at peace.” I promised Joe I will NEVER let him be forgotten...not ever, and I would try to do my very best to breathe to live every day. This is my story of Losing Joe. Son, I love you to no end, Joseph Anthony Suarez. We will forever be a team my Jeh. ♥️i love u forever, your Meh.♥️

3 thoughts on “When I Close My Eyes

  1. Beautiful imagery in your writing. May you and your family only know happy times from now on. I sometimes close my eyes and try to connect with my son Jacob, as if he’s sitting next to me, holding my hand. I dream about the day when all our loved ones will be placed into physical bodies once again. I imagine him walking toward me with a small on his face. And I say, ‘Jacob, is it really you?’ And he’ll say, ‘Yeah, Ma, it’s really me’

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: