A Letter to My Son – July 9, 2019

Today is July 9, 2019, it’s my birthday. Year 2 without you here on this day. You were always so excited to be the first one to tell me Happy Birthday Momma. I can still hear your raspy loud voice. Then bragging to your sisters how you were the first to tell me, I literally can hear the three of you arguing about it. Makes me smile. It’ll never be the same again, nothing in life is the same because you’re not here Joseph. Tonight, my birthday gift from you is just being here in your room, taking all of you into my soul. It’s what makes me feel good, I can feel your presence as I’m surrounded by all your things. If I had to choose one gift that God would grant me for the rest of my life, it would be You coming home back in my arms. Holding me tight with your arms, kissing my forehead telling me, I Love You Ma! I Love You so much!

Im in your room, staring at everything that surrounds me. I’m staring at all your things; your clothes, your hats on the wall, your shoes, your skateboard, your desk and chair, your cologne, your dresser with shoe boxes on top, it’s all here …as if you’re coming back. Sometimes, I think in the deep back of my mind I tell myself you’re eventually coming home. Even though in my reality I know you’re not. I guess my brain still cannot fully process what has happened. I don’t know if it ever will my Son.

I see the picture of me you taped to the side of your nightstand, it’s by your bed. I’m thinking back trying to determine when you did that? You never told me, I wish you would have told me. At this moment, my heart feels warm thinking how you looked at your Mom every night before going to sleep and when you woke up. I wish I would have known, but it’s too late to ask you now.

Your favorite pic

I remember the night you were hammering nails on the walls in your room, it was late and I came downstairs to see what you were doing. I knocked on your door, you opened it and looked surprised I was still awake. I looked behind you and noticed your walls, you said to me, “I’m sorry Ma, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Those two words “I’m sorry” could win me over every time, “I’m sorry” was worth a million bucks! I’m looking at your footprints on the wall behind me, lol your dirty footprints! I remember your feet touching the wall as you would lay backwards on your bed and your feet up against the wall. It was simply a comfortable spot for you, now I stare at your wall and close my eyes trying to think back to those days and my heart starts to beat a little bit faster. That’s my trigger to stop thinking too hard, when my heart feels panic..it’s like my brain is protecting me, it’s telling me to stop. That’s about as far as I can go.

They’re still on your wall – but how long do I keep these here? It hurts so much.
How long do I keep these hanging in your closet?😭

I close my eyes and remember when you would sit in here, your bedroom was your very own domain. I never really spent much time in here because you would stop me at the door. Hours and hours you would just be in here with your own thoughts, listening to your music or watching movies on your Mac. Never did I imagine that one day you wouldn’t be here, and now I’m in your room staring at everything wondering what went thru your head? Memories and things are all I have left of you, because you’re gone. And, I know you’re never coming back.

Each day without you seems like eternity. Your absence is heavy, always. And, it still continues to shatter my heart. Some days I feel as if all the air has been sucked out of my body and i can barely breathe. Other days, I laugh thinking of all the stories you would tell me that typically took forever for you to hit the punchline, but I listened attentively and the end was always your best because everything you did or said was your best. It was either really funny or it was surprising, or just downright shocking. It’s who you are, you made everything better.

You left too soon my Son, way too soon. We talked about a plan, I don’t understand what happened. I have so many questions that I’ll never have an answer. This is still too much to take in most of the time and I still can’t believe I’m never going to hear your voice again. It’s only been 1 year, how do I live the next 5, 10, or 15 without you? Sometimes, this is just too hard. Every day I wake up thinking of you and I hate the nighttime, it’s the worst. I try to stay busy, but you’re always there in my head. This emotional rollercoaster is very exhausting to the human mind, but I’m trying son, I promise you I’ll keep trying. I know my heart is still beating, which tells me you’re still shining bright through me. Please continue to find ways to communicate with me so I can feel your air.

We will forever be a team♥️My Love is Forever, Your Momma

Virtual Candlelight Ceremony for Joseph Anthony Suarez

As the angelversary day fast approaches, the first year of Joe’s passing (May 28, 2019), my mind was made up and I did not want to do any kind of memorial to remember that day of so much sorrow, shock, numbness, and devastation to myself and my family, as well as his friends. It’s still so painful for all of us. But, I think God had another plan. He sent me an idea to have a “virtual candlelight ceremony” across the country. So, that’s what I’m going to do. More details to follow, but please save the date below.

To my new friends who follow my blog, I thank you for your comments, your support, even the love you give to me…someone you’ve never met until now. I am still writing my “Year of Firsts” almost close to being done. I love this community in WordPress, it’s been extremely healing for me. My heart and soul thanks you!

My goal is to reach as many people across all time zones. People he knew or people he didn’t know. I want the entire country to light a candle for Joe. He is our son, he is our brother, he is our grandson, he is our godson, he is our nephew, he is our cousin, he is our best friend, he is “Our Joe🙏🏻, and now he is Our Angelchild.” I made a promise that I will continue to reach out and share his story, because he deserves the world…still. My promise will continue until my final breath on this earth.

My heart and soul continues to try and heal in this life. But, Joe’s legacy will live forever. Amen🙏🏻

A Letter to My Mother

Dear Mommy, today is March 25, 2019, you’ve been in heaven 11 years. Last year at this time, Allie, Joe, Ella & myself spent time at your gravesite, it was beautiful. But, this year is different Mom. I can’t do my normal anniversary day with you today, I’m so sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

Life has changed, but you probably already know that and most likely seen it coming long before me. Joseph, he’s gone before me Mom. My only son, your grandson, but I’m guessing he is probably right beside you saying he didn’t leave on purpose, it was an accident. Again, you probably knew that though, this hurts every bone in my body and even more so today. I’m angry. I’m angry that you have Joe with you now. I know it’s very selfish of me, please forgive me. But, my truth is I want Joseph here next to me and to be honest Mom, I don’t want to go to the cemetery today. I don’t want to take you flowers and sit next to your headstone and talk to you about my life. Because my life took a left turn and went straight into this unknown place where sadness takes over the soul. It’s dark, ugly, and miserable, I hate it.

How did you do it? How did you keep going after losing Daddy, then Sis? How?! I wish you could tell me what to do. I try every day but it’s not enough. The worst part is I know I should be happy that Joe is in a beautiful place with you and God, versus the other. I should be thankful, but I’m too selfish I guess. I want him with me, he should be here with his sisters, his niece Ella, his dad, family and friends, but he’s not. He is with you. God forgive me, please. I’m so sorry. Everything feels so much heavier today. My entire body aches like I’ve been hit by a train. I can’t move my legs, my chest hurts when I breathe, my eyes are swollen from tears, and my heart is broken. Maybe this is my punishment for being so selfish.

I have chosen to stay in my pajamas today, under my blankets, binging on Netflix. I’m going to cry if I want to, laugh if something funny comes on the television, munch on my snacks, cry again, and wait for the night to come so I can close my eyes until tomorrow. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, it’s not here yet. I will cross that bridge when I get there. I hope you know that I love you and I miss you very much. But, to not have you or my son in this living life crushes my soul 100 times harder at this moment. I just can’t do it today, I hope you’re not too disappointed in me. I’m so sorry. I’m just a hot mess today. I love you Mommy, kiss my son for me (I miss him so much) and please help give me strength.